Payal Desai is on a mission to make sure she’s raising boys who can take care of themselves and their emotions.
The teacher and mom from New Jersey is going viral on TikTok for sharing a series of life lessons that she’s giving her sons Carter, 7, and Dev, 3.
The videos ― which are soundtracked to Luniz’s 1995 hit “I Got 5 On It” and conclude with Desai deadpanning to the camera ― show the mom of two teaching the boys how to be non-dusty husbands to their future partners. (For the unfamiliar, “your dusty son” has become something of a meme lately; to be dusty is to exhibit an undesirable mix of laziness and general scrub-like behavior.)
In one viral clip, she encourages Carter to make space for his feelings so he’ll know it’s normal to express what’s going on inside when he’s in a relationship. “Teaching my son to write down his feelings when he’s upset so your daughter won’t have to deal with his impulsive outbursts,” her caption reads.
In another clip, Dev watches as his mom gets rid of peach fuzz above her lip so he’s not weird about women having body hair. “Teaching my son that facial hair on a female is perfectly normal so he never thinks it’s ok to embarrass someone for it,” it reads.
In another, she reminds Carter it’s important to do an equal share of chores around the house. (You might think younger couples would be more egalitarian in their approach to household chores, but according to studies, you’d be wrong.)
“Teaching my son that dirty clothes go IN the hamper so your daughter doesn’t have to pick his underwear up off the bathroom floor every night,” she typed.
In an interview with HuffPost, Desai said that she and her husband are trying to raise boys who can take care of themselves and not bottle up their emotions.
“Too often boys are told to ‘suck it up’ and hide their true feelings, and eventually, to ‘man up,’” she said. “I want to equip my sons with tools in dealing with their emotions but also let them know that there is always space for them, too.”
Desai was inspired to create the series after watching a comedic TikTok series from Eric Taylor — @girldad_e, as he’s known online — about raising daughters who know their worth and can recognize and steer clear of people’s “dusty sons.”
“I told my sister I wanted to do this trend but from the perspective of a mom of boys, and the first video really took off,” Desai said. “I then realized there was so much ground to cover.”
Though most of the comments on the videos are supportive (“First boy mom on TikTok that’s not toxic, love to see it,” “Is it too late to send this to my mother in law?”), some have remarked that they found the videos problematic.
“Picking up your underwear, being able to make something to eat for yourself and self regulation are not a favor or a gift to other women or people for that matter,” one woman wrote in an Instagram repost of the videos. “It is the literal bare minimum parents should teach their kids irrespective of gender.”
Desai disagrees with that line of criticism.
“If it were ‘standard,’ then many more people would live their lives according to these lessons,” she said. “The problem is it is not standard, and these are issues of equity we have to start talking about. I know it makes some people feel uncomfortable, but change only happens in discomfort.”
She has acknowledged feedback about referring to her sons’ future partners, promising to use more inclusive language. By and large, though, the response to the videos has been positive.
“Over the course of a month, my following on the platforms have skyrocketed, and I am so thankful it’s sending this positive message to dispel traditional gender roles and norms,” she said.
Dev and Carter, meanwhile, got a kick out of appearing on “Good Morning Philadelphia” TV show last week while his parents discussed the viral clips.
“Carter especially really got it more after the morning show!” Desai said. “He has enjoyed the recognition and understands the weight it holds.”
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