First of two parts
MARITA Sanchez (not her real name), 57, vividly remembers how her husband Rodolfo pushed her down the stairs in their Quezon City home merely a few days after she gave birth to their son. Her vision darkened as she picked up a wooden plank, intending to beat him to death. Her blow landed, but it was only strong enough to send him to the hospital. Feeling defeated and hopeless, she then considered committing suicide by drinking bleach as a way to end 30 years of sexual, physical and verbal abuse.
Marita admitted that she became more violent over time as a result of trying to defend herself from the constant abuse she suffered. Their arguments often began when he started drinking with his friends at home. On one occasion, one of his drunk friends went upstairs inside their home, triggering Marita’s fears for the safety of her children.
Jealousy was also another source of friction, as Marita bristled at Rodolfo’s womanizing.
“If one of my children were harmed, I would not think twice about killing anyone to protect them,” she told The Manila Times.
Despite the oppressive circumstances, Marita stayed married to Rodolfo, who promised he would change — but he never did. Marita said she stayed married to him for the sake of their children and also to avoid the shame of having her family and neighbors learn of her continuing ordeal.
“We went to the barangay, but nothing was resolved. He merely kept on committing the same abuses over and over again. His family also tried to intervene when I wanted to leave him with my children, but still, nothing fixed our marriage,” Marita said.
She finally left him — and learned that he died of cirrhosis of the liver last year.
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Michelle Bulang, 44, still bears scars from the 13 stitches on her scalp after her husband came home drunk one day and hit her. She also has burn marks where her husband poured boiling water on her.
“Every time he beat me, he [would also] beat the kids,” she told the Australian Broadcasting Corp., which did a feature on divorce in the Philippines.
“Every time I complained that he never gave me any money, he said I’m not allowed to work.
“He said, ‘You just stay inside the house because you are only my wife, and you can do nothing because you are nothing without me,'” she told ABC News.
Michelle’s husband was also a gambler and did not provide for her and their four children, yet he forbade her from working.
Michelle finally left her abusive spouse after her children pleaded for her to leave and convinced her to live apart from him. She now lives with her four children in Rizal but has not divorced him since divorce is still illegal.
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Evelyn Toledo, 40, was shot in the chest and died at her sari-sari store in Barangay Poblacion, Compostela, Cebu, last year after she tried to leave her abusive husband Sidney, who did not like her speaking with other people.
Sadly, these are just a few examples of domestic violence against women in the Philippines.
According to the Philippine Statistics Authority’s National Demographic and Health Survey released in 2024, there were 19,228 incidents of violence against women (VAW) in 2022, including all forms of physical and sexual violence.
Data from the Philippine National Police, on the other hand, shows that the number of violations of RA 9261 reached 7,161 in 2022 and rose to 7,764 in 2023. The Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) only served 883 of those who were physically, sexually and psychologically abused in 2022, but this declined to 217 in 2023.
Jean Enriquez
“It is important to understand that there are overwhelmingly more women victims because domestic abuse happens due to gender stereotypes and male misconception of power over their female partners,” said Jean Enriquez, executive director of Coalition Against Trafficking in Women in the Asia Pacific (CATW-AP).
“Coalition Against Trafficking in Women-Asia Pacific (CATW-AP) Empowerment of Survivors Program established an online support group led by survivors trained in psychological first aid, trauma-informed healing conversations, and accompaniment or referral. We have women’s rights training that helps empower victims-survivors toward inclusion in support groups that will accompany them in their healing journey,” Enriquez said.
The impact of abuse
Eizaleen Fusingan-Lappay, a psychologist at MindNation, a Singapore-based mental health and well-being company that provides online services to support communities and organizations, said awareness related to the resources for support contributes much to how society sees domestic violence. It is not merely viewed through the legal lens but also in terms of its psychological and sociological impact.
“Our brain is wired for survival, and if there is a recurrent threat, there is a huge possibility of retaliation. One client of mine stabbed her partner to death due to prolonged violence. She felt helpless about her situation, and the way she saw the situation was that ‘he will kill me or I will kill him.’ The main act was not something she planned, but it became her automatic response during the act of violence coming from her partner,” she said.
Lappay added that victims of abuse are often desensitized as it somehow becomes the person’s way of relating to others, becoming their “wired” behavior when experiencing intense emotions. This often leads victims to release their emotions by hurting other people or hurting themselves. There is a huge tendency for self-harming behavior for someone who got used to being abused over time. When they inflict pain on themselves, it also becomes their way of comforting themselves.
“In psychology, we can say that they developed a maladaptive way of coping with every stressful situation. Self-harming behavior is a risk factor that can further escalate to [suicidal] acts when [they are] vulnerable,” she added.
A combination of different factors, including gender roles, family structures and generational issues, can contribute to the occurrence of domestic abuse, she said
“We have to view this from different perspectives so we can have a better grasp of this phenomenon. From the sociological lens, we can see that the attribution of gender roles of how people should act like men should be strong and dominant can perpetuate aggressive behavior as a norm for men,” Lappay said.
Through the psychological lens, the impact of generational issues in the family can be explained, she added. The cycle of violence is seen in families with parents who project their own experiences with the family of origin. The family systems theory explains the factors that contribute to this phenomenon, such as role expectations, communication patterns and power status.
“Killings related to domestic violence can be due to many factors. It can be used as self-defense to get out of the situation. There is a difference between ‘nambubugbog’ and ‘nagbubugbugan,’ hence, the possibility of the latter leading to death can be part of the picture. The most common traits of individuals with violent tendencies are [those who have] issues with impulse control (difficulty controlling emotions), the propensity to experience intense emotions (extreme bursts of emotions), and [the] lack of self-awareness or denial of the issues,” she said.
Trauma and the stigma of abuse
Marita fears that men would do the same thing her husband did to her. She never sought any psychological help but prayed to God and found strength from her children to push through with life. She tries to erase from her memory what happened as it was all in the past, now that her husband has died due to illness.
In 2024, there is more awareness and discussion, especially after the pandemic, centering on mental health, alongside the campaigns in various media platforms to encourage domestic abuse victims to speak up about their experiences.
“We are now geared toward openness about the generational traumas and how it impacts the present family systems, and to heal from these experiences by seeking the right support in the community,” Lappay told The Manila Times.
Domestic violence is a trauma that has a grave impact on someone’s mental health. Trauma can increase the adrenaline, resulting in a fight or flight response, which can potentially lead to deadly situations.
Lappay said it is important to address the stigma of abuse. The first step is making people aware that mental health services are important and that victims of abuse can benefit from support services and educational materials related to mental health.
“Knowing whom to talk to and the proper avenues for help can increase utilization of mental health services. When we normalize talking to mental health professionals, it helps a lot to encourage the victim to seek support without the fear of being labeled as ‘crazy.’ It is also crucial to create safe spaces in different media platforms so people can speak up about their experiences without the fear of ‘victim blaming,'” she said.
“For people to be encouraged to ‘intervene,’ rather than to be a ‘bystander,’ it will be significant to create a safe space for [the] expression of emotions through establishing the culture of ‘check-ins.’ The question ‘Kumusta ka?’ [and] ‘How are you feeling?’ can be powerful, especially for our friends with silent battles. Communication is the key, and it may help if we use the 3Ls (Look, Listen and Link) in providing support.”
People need time to look and observe how the situation affects them. Some signs to look for are the change in the victims’ behavioral patterns and possible distress reactions. Abuse victims need support by listening and focusing on them.
“Not everyone needs advice; some people need comfort. Take the time to ask check-in questions regarding their present feelings, not necessarily talking about the event. You may follow their lead on topics that they are comfortable talking about. You may also just let them express what they feel through crying or just being silent. Remind them that you are there to listen. Ask open-ended questions rather than formulating advice. In terms of questions, you may ask: ‘What are you feeling now?’ ‘How are you coping in this challenging time?’ if you think they might need professional help. ‘How might your life be different when you attend a counseling session? Do you think that would help?'” she added.
In the early stages of marriage, there are red flags of abuse. Lappay said the retrospective accounts of both victims and perpetrators of intimate partner abuse describe behaviors and interactions early in their relationships that can subsequently be perceived as warning signs of later abuse. These behaviors may include subtle forms of psychological abuse such as verbal denigration, jealous or possessive behavior, and threats of aggression.
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